struggles

how do you begin a blog post about your struggles? yup, my struggles. it's not easy being a wife, mom and nurse.

i loved being on maternity leave this time around. the house was nearly spotless, laundry done, and a hot meal on the table every night...for real i cooked practically every night! in my mind i was doing what i love most and that is being domestic. let me re-phrase that, being domestic with no other responsibilities such as going back to work.

my first night wasn't bad. it was nice to have girl time again, labor a patient, and doing what i really do enjoy. the second shift.....not so good. for the most part my job is happy and all smiles. however, their are times when it is not. how am i supposed to give all i have to my patients in those times of need and still have reserve to come home and love my husband and children. 

the first several nights after going back to work were rough, and to be frank with you they still are. i have not established a "grove" or "method" to juggling now three children, working, doctor appointments, cleaning, mothering, and being a wife. i have no clue how full time career moms do it! 

i posted some small rant on FB about how i just wasn't sure i could be a nurse any longer. i felt i was sacrificing to much of my family. a doctor i work with wrote me a message that i quickly read through. i'll be honest i was still very bitter, angry and sad that i was working that i didn't actually READ it. 

well, the other night i was telling my husband how it really does make my job easier when i work with such amazing doctors who love the Lord. i started to read the letter to my husband, and i started crying. God used this doctor to speak right to me. to speak to my bitterness and anger. it wasn't until that night i really heard what the letter was saying, what God was saying.

"Ultimately it is between us and God. When He calls us to serve, we must serve, even if it is at personal sacrifice and that our selfish selves would rather not serve Him but to serve ourselves. We have a dual calling as doctors/nurses and as parents, and it is not an easy task."

"You are such an incredible blessing to the patients to whom you provide care. You are the hands and feet of Jesus to them; something that is very apparent to those who are filled with the Holy Spirit, and to those who do not know HIM, they leave your presence wondering about the light that they see in you." 

thank you God for speaking so directly to me. i truly haven't seen my work as serving. sometimes (most times) it feels like work. hard work. i am trying (as in still working on this....and will for a while) to look at my job as a ministry. i am in a field where lives are literally changed.  

there are ministries out there who care for moms contemplating abortion or adoption. i want to get involved in this and i failed to see that i am on the actual battlefield..the delivery room!! oh how God could use me if i just got past all my selfishness and anger and let him have full reign over my life, career and all! 

as i have begun to look at my career more as being a servant to Christ it has helped me change attitude. am i still sad and jealous of other stay at home moms?....yes! however, until God blesses me (or if ever) with my desire to stay home i need to be obedient in this time. 

plus i do only work 2 nights a week....not to shabby!

i really do need to be less selfish... 

hey, i did say i was working on it ;)