anxious

i was anxious about when and where we were going to move too even when my dad was sick. sounds awful, as if i shouldn't have worried about things like that.

but i did. maybe it was because i thought that was the one thing i could control.

after my dad died, i was so angry at myself for wasting such time and energy on my worry.

worry about, where are we going to live?
am i going to work?
are we buying or renting?

it seemed pointless after he died, yet, after only 3 weeks i am stuck worrying about it again!

i am trying to turn to scripture and prayer to ease my worry but it still doesn't make it much easier for me.

i know that i will not be without shelter, knowing that is something i take largely for granted. i do take comfort in that. but i tend to worry about the trivial things.

living in this type of society it is hard for me to not start thinking how i am going to turn my next place into a home. praying this move would be our "forever" home.

i saw a home online that i fell in love with. perfect neighborhood, totally retro pink bathroom (i was in love). when i went back to see it again it already sold and even sold above the asking price.

anxiety hit! like a ton of bricks i started thinking...

we are not going to have enough for a down payment.
all the good homes are selling.
we need to start looking now!

so instead of freaking out i am writing or blogging my thoughts.
this is me.

i am praying for peace and patience through this. although, i don't feel it all the time, i know god will provide. he has never let me down. two years ago when we were out of a place to live we found an incrideible home, god provided.

i know he will provided again.

and on top of all of this, the loss of my dad is getting harder. i thought it would get easier throughout the weeks/months. but it is more of a shock now. its getting harder every day that passes.

he really is gone.

maybe this is how i am grieving. trying desperately to cling onto things i can control.
i want to control where i will end up. i want to control my blog. i want to control myself. yet i  constantly feel like i am falling apart.

maybe that's why i am throwing parties, blogging, and thrifting nonstop. so i can continue this blog "life" and so when i look at myself, through my lens, things look normal. like i have it together.

so now the question is do i really want to hit "publish"? do i really want everyone to realize that i am hurting, struggling, grieving, and crying out to god to help me.

sure why not. maybe this is how god will use me and my story. to help someone else who is hurting. i don't have any answers, i am hurting just as bad.

but i understand.

and that alone is worth shedding my "blog" image.